for stunnybunny

can i get a "fuck yeah" for cadbury mini eggs?


i think that they're made out of cocoa and magic and 2% or less of cornstarch, gum acacia, artificial color (yellow 6 lake; blue 2 lake; yellow 5; blue 2; red 40), ethyl vanillin, artificial flavor (more magic?).

Happy Valentine's Day

(this is also on myspace bloggie, but hey, no one uses myspace anymore anyhow)

To me From me

this valentine's day i went to my parents' house (duh, of course i did! they give me candy and cards and make me feel generally pathetic). i cleaned out my room, something i do in stages every time i am home, and JACKPOT! i found my diary from 1998.

i kept diaries all throughout my adolescence, but even at the time i knew that shit was embarrassing, and would throw them away when they were full, to keep Future Allison from shame. but it seems i missed a year.

So lame, melodramatic, and funny, i am definitely going to post some of it soon. crappy love poetry galore! ALL FOR NATHAN (who?). a craptastic treasure trove. The only thing in it that didn't make me cringe was a page that read:
Who has the prettiest eyes?
The ocean.

I also found some of my high school papers, tests, etc. with teacher's comments. I was a real quality smartass, it seems. But I remember myself being an earnest student! Oh man, the shit I wrote! If I were a teacher, I would have liked to kick me in the teeth. I'll post some of it later. I found a paper I wrote for Modern European History (i took that?) with a picture of a naked mole rat pasted to the front! For what reason, Past Allison? Past Allison, why? I think the best teacher comment, though, is "Philosophy is commanding. Grammar is not".

I ALSO found some photos of myself from around 13? 14? years old. I was really a chunky monkey! But the thing is nobody told me! I have always thought of myself (and continue to think of myself) as just pretty enough to get away with it. whatever it might be. But that, it seems, was not the case. I was fat and nobody bothered to tell me! Plus i had no style; I was very slovenly but other than that...nothin! corduroys and t-shirts. i am really disappointed. Maybe this was when i first began picking out my own clothes, not in a good way. i think i then went from having no style to having too much style, also not in a good way, and did get yearbook voted "Most Changed Since Freshman Year".

i also found an evaluation of myself that i made a friend fill out in 5th grade. It said my worst qualities were that i was "too crazy sometimes" and "likes the worst boys". hehheh. still true.

i found a song i wrote about an imaginary friend, and the handwriting is so cute, i must've just learned how to write, and let me tell you there were some definite lesbian undertones to this song. The imaginary friend was female and had "the softest hands". Is the jury still out? This imaginary friend had the usual chimeric qualities such as wings and a unicorn horn, but also THE VOICE OF A COW. i was very serious about her sonorous mooing voice.

more later, i need to sleep for a week with the covers pulled over my head.

Oops

Last night i punched some dude on the dancefloor because i thought he pulled my bra strap but here it was my friend who did it. i apologized but he seemed kinda into the punch and was trying to grind up on me after that. it's weird that after that i kinda had several dudes trying to grind up on me at the same time, did they want to get punched? I don't get it.

Sure we fell off

but were back
(juelz santana utoh)
actually i fell off, BWMx2 held things down.
09 is that year. fuck mad bitches.

Peek-a-boo crotch

So I go in the bathroom at work today and there's some cleaning girl in the first stall so i go in the second and there's no toilet seat covers so that's not happening so I hit up the 3rd toilet and everything is cool, um no. So I'm pulling my pants down and all of a sudden the cleaning girl removes the panel to change the tp (which connects my stall to that stall) in the stall next to me leaving my naked privates that were about to sit down with me, framed around the square. Her hand was about a foot away from my crotch, like my crotch was def the first thing she saw when she removed the panel, wtf? She didn't even quick put the panel back, she just did her thing and changed that roll of TP so I had to run away pulling my pants up to the corner of the stall. Then she yells over "You got any toilet seat covers over there??"
The worst.
Happy Fucking New Year BWM09

Free Time Adventures

i have days off. several days off. 1,2...4 days off per week. I am finding that having concentrated free time is overwhelming. I find myself creating to-do lists and then becoming easily discouraged from completing anything on them. inventing projects for myself and then not doing them. and feeling bad about that.

but it's nice to have free time, i mean, it's not nice, but i wouldn't trade it. the alternative is even more grossly unnatural. plus you really find out what you're made of in your free time...over and over again. i can really experience my free time and come to free time conclusions about free time subjects.

i concluded today that tecate really tastes like shit if you are too lazy to cut accompanying limes.

i have also decided that i would like to become a Grill Master. So i took the first step. I went outside and i looked at my grill. It was awkward at first, but interesting, though ultimately brief. There were a lot of feelings involved. I learned that it's name is Weber and i really don't understand much about it. i had this vision of trying to heat it with a hairdryer. Weber was not amused. Nonetheless, i think there was a mutual attraction, in that clumsy junior high school sort of way.

then, i watched 5-6 instructional Youtube videos on the art of origami. But, having no origami paper to experiment, soon lost interest. though i did vow that i would purchase or print out some very soon and get started on that daunting Kusudama.

i tried to find dance classes in south philly but it turns out the only available class is a Pole Dancing class. This sounded at least theoretically interesting until i read the descriptions of what to wear/not wear. Included here was a warning not to put on lotion before class, because we would be forced to spend the whole session wiping the muck off the pole. Also, we were encouraged to wear very short shorts so that thigh friction might be useful. Gross.

i invented a lot of reasons to leave the house, but they all involved the purchase of something so i wrote them off as spurious. i do really need a juicing device though.

Reading. Reading is always good. i finished another book today, slapped it down on the steadily growing Finished pile.

-dr. honey

on professing love after one date:

WHOA BUDDY... whoa. no. nononono.

i'm through being cool

it's time to show those evil spuds what's what.

-c

my favorite new factoid

Debbie Harry was 31 when Blondie formed.


Thank you Popup Videos! You have given me hope for the fortune and fame that I had previously given up on.

Punk Rock.

"I'll Be Better Next Time"

I have been very, very busy filling out a detailed post-visit survey about Colonial Williamsburg, writing to Frito-Lay about the deading of what may be the best salsa ever shelved, perfecting the all-purpose voicemail message with socs (why isn't there a 'k' in socs?), paper macheing receipts to our furniture, and caring about the Wyeth article in Philadelphia Magazine for the past few days. Way too busy to deal with, you know, actual life.


More Later, Probably.

-dr. honey

Eh?

How the fuck did we get listed on this? Zero fans, so gay.

Also, I think I have a texting problem. It's barely noon and since the beginning of the day today, 1am, I've already sent 25 texts. Is that normal? I was texting multiple people on the east coast around 8am while I was literally still half asleep in bed. Am I going to get sued for textual harassment? Anyway, I'm writing this because one of the incoming texts was about BWM (hi Socsy) and she said "Post something." so I was like "Eh, I guess I'll post about all these text messages, that's kind of meta since right now I'm texting about posting." Then I was like "Oh maybe it would be funny to post all the outgoing texts out of contexts (no pun intended)" (yes, I ruminate in parentheses- how obnoxious is that?) but after reviewing them, the outgoing texts, I came to realize that I come off like either a crazy person or a complete retard sometimes. Why didn't anyone tell me? Sometimes feeble attempts at dry, wry, or self deprecating humor do not go well with the art of texting. Drinking too. Don't drink and text, kids. I'm speaking from too much experience here. So, yeah. Fuck that. I'm not going to share my failures with you ingrates- even though it would probably be a lot funnier (in the laughing at me not with me way) than what I'm writing now, and it might be more interesting than this weirdo technorati link that I found when I searched for "iamartblahg", but I'm selfish and I refuse to give it up (for a change ha-chacha)... Yeah, now I'm just saying a bunch of shit. Maybe there's a reason I don't post anymore...

-crimmers

p.s. Ok, I'll give it up a little. Here's my last outgoing text just for good measure "No, but I was big into handball... Yeah, I'm dry". What?

My Sexy Future as a BWM

We all have (i think) thrilling visions of our future selves. Mine usually involves me sitting on the porch of my sometimes cabin sometimes farmhouse with a shotgun.

But lately i have a new fantasy.

I am sitting at a writing desk, reading glasses cozily astride my sizable nose, examining documents, and crunching numbers on a calculator. I'm paying my bills and managing my accounts. I'm hot for my Roth, so i give it a taste, even though i know i should be focusing on my workaday savings account. I'm on top of that FICO score, and riding it. Is there anything sexier than being your own accounts manager? oh, the power. oh, the glory.


i had this delivered the other day:


i highly recommend it. sure, it has the word fabulous in it, and this is a little off-putting (reading aloud to kevin i censored the fabulous part every time it reared its head, and opted to vocalize only the young&broke part), and the woman on the cover looks like she owns a craft store, but it's the key to my new fantasy of the future.

while i realize i would have made fun of me for getting my finances in order a few years ago, i now find money management an irresistible avenue for self-exploration.

now i just have to get and hold down a job.
or maybe i don't.
sigh.
oh, suze.

-dr. honey

DMX: History of arrests

* In 1999, during a blockbuster 'Hard Knock Life' tour stop in Denver, a warrant for his arrest was issued in connection with an unpaid parking fine and lampooning of a man that attended one of the concerts, of which Simmons was later cleared; another incident occurred in May, when he was accused of assaulting a Yonkers man who had allegedly harassed his wife and stabbed her in the neck (the charges were once again dropped). More serious charges were brought that summer when Earl's uncle/manager was accidentally shot in the neck at a New Jersey hotel. Police later raided Earl's home and filed animal cruelty, weapons, and drug possession charges against the rapper and his wife; he eventually plea-bargained down to fines, probation, and community service.
* On July 10, 1999, he was arrested for using obscene language during a concert in Basingstoke.

* On October 11, 1999, he was arrested for flashing a mounted police officer while under the influence of drugs and alcohol. He was sentenced to 2 months in prison.

* In March 2000, he was arrested for aggravated unlicensed operation of a motor vehicle, speeding, failure to signal, driving without a license, failure to notify the DMV of an address change, and possession of marijuana, cocaine, ecstasy, and Percocet while driving on New York State Route 33 in Cheektowaga, New York, following a concert in Buffalo, New York. He was then scheduled to appear in Cheektowaga Town Court on March 21, but failed to appear, resulting in a warrant being issued for his arrest.[4] He later turned himself in, pleaded guilty to a reduced charge of driving without a license and was sentenced to 15 days in jail and fined $400.[5] He was also charged with marijuana possession, after turning himself in, when authorities found marijuana in a pack of his cigarettes; he was fined an additional $250.

* In 2002, he pled guilty to animal cruelty for having 13 neglected pit bulls in his possession.[6]

* In June 2003, he was arrested for using indecent language during a performance at St Kitts and Nevis in the Caribbean. The country's Information Minister alleged that a contract signed before the concert stipulated the show would be without indecent language on stage. Simmons was released on bail ($376).[7]

* In June 2004, he was arrested at JFK Airport on charges of cocaine possession, criminal impersonation, criminal possession of a weapon, criminal mischief, menacing, and driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol while claiming to be a federal agent and attempting to carjack a vehicle.[8]

* In April 2005, Simmons was charged with driving with a suspended license after his involvement in a a three-car collision on the Major Deegan Expressway in the Bronx. The rapper hit a car, pushing it into a police cruiser.

* In May 2006, Simmons was arrested at a London airport for causing a disturbance after he refused to put on a seat belt and became abusive on a flight from New York to London. He was released with a caution.[9]

* In October 2006, Simmons was arrested in Boston after severely injuring 4 armed men just hours after Monster Jam. The charges were dropped after it was discovered he was acting in self defense.

* On February 2, 2007 he was arrested for driving on an expired license charge, and scheduled an appearance in a Yonkers courtroom on March 6, 2007 on that and other minor infractions.[10]

* On July 23, 2007 Simmons was stopped by police after trying to get away on an illegal motorbike without a license and drunk. Officers gave him a Section 15 warning and was scheduled to appear in court on August 1, 2007 for further questioning.[citation needed].

* On July 31, 2007 Simmons was stopped by police for driving an illegal motorbike and he has been reported for driving without a license and without insurance. A court date has not been set as of August 1, 2007[citation needed].

* On August 24, 2007 Acting upon an animal cruelty tip, Maricopa County Sheriff's deputies reported to having removed 12 emaciated pit bulls from Simmon's Cave Creek home. None of these dogs had access to food or water. Deputies also found the bodies of 3 dead dogs. Simmons was not at home when the raid occurred. Sources reported the deputies also removed a large cache of weapons in addition to drug paraphernalia and a large quantity of suspected drugs. At this time, DMX has not been charged with animal cruelty.[11]

* On May 7, 2008 Again Simmons was arrested by Arizona police after authorities viewed speed camera video of the rapper driving 114 miles per hour (183 km/h) on a local highway. He was charged with reckless driving, racing on a highway, three counts of criminal speed, two counts of endangerment, and driving with a suspended license. Authorities stated that Simmons was cooperative during the ordeal, and since then he has been released on bail with no court date set as yet.

* On May 9, 2008 Simmons was arrested for possession of drugs and weapons. Stemming from the August search of the rapper's home, the police searched his home twice, finding a number of mistreated pitbull puppies as well as a number of drugs and weapons. Police also claim the Simmons barricaded himself in his bedroom before giving himself up.

yes. lets do get it on

I've been watching clips from Burt Sugarman's Midnight Special a lot the past couple days (yeah i still love old concert videos) and I discovered that I would fuck the fucking shit out of 70's era Marvin Gaye.






yo.

Weirdo Marc Bolan has some art school appeal that I can't help but want to get groupie on too.

Also, the blond chick from Heart can shred.

Friend of the Week

Danny. his license got suspended a while ago and since then he has been renting cars pretty steadily from Enterprise.

just the fact that he would go to rent a car, whether it worked out or not, without a valid license makes me extremely happy.

but it worked. which makes me even happier. just when you feel the world is impenetrably connected, you can rent a car without a valid license.

sure, eventually he got caught after he banged up one car and used the other to harbor a criminal. but then he just went to a different branch and did the same thing again.



thanks brother, you restore my faith.

-dr. honey

tittybuzz

i would live in a tree, inside its trunk.
i saw a squirrel jump into a trashcan and leap out, scrambling, with one french fry. i also have a photo of a squirrel eating a slice of pizza on a high branch, but its a couple of years old so it doesn't really prove anything.

most of all, i saw a woman wearing a low-cut tank-top with her cell phone sticking out. it was snuggled between her breasts.

this was the park today.

Dear Cooper

i wrote this email to cooper, i have forgotten what the hell i was talking about. i think it was a cry for help.
i wouldn't lick the times with the bottom of my shoe. you call that journalism?
i could make better copy in my work dreams.
wow. so um social darwinism. it's nice to see that rear its mug.
my dog had diabetes!! you bastard. oh, muffy. cooper thinks you died because you were weak.
muffy's crying in hell now cooper!
(she wasn't a very goood dog).

corn you eat is sweet corn, the kind they use for feed is #2.
like shit.get it?
got it?

coops, fishies are full of mercury and chickens are full of crap. they're liars. every last one of them.

i mean, my first food was steak.
it's hard for me.

nuts? i phtew on nuts.
double hyuck!

cooper, i eat cats.

with the spirit of aloha,
a.