Family Yikes!

Mom
i hung out with my mom yesterday i was in fish looking at a house (that smelled like some very unhealthy urine) and she called me EAT DINNER AND TAKE A WALK WITH ME!!! So i meet up with her and we go for a walk and this car stops asking us about houses and shit and whats for sale and my mom goes here we'll just get in your car and drive you around. im like no you cant be serious and the people were both like "?!?!?!?!" but my mom goes "YEAH!!! LETS GO!!!!" so she got in the car and for some reason i followed her (?!?!??!!?) and we were in that car for like 45 minutes i fell asleep at one point and remember hearing the lady all i live over in frankford right now and my mom was like im from Feltonville D and Wyoming wooooo andthe lady's like woo yeah i grew up in juniata park wooooooo!!!! then they both had a fucking chuckle blah blah blah and im thinkin what the fuck did i get myself into my mother is tripping so at one point i was basically breaking into an abandoned house with the lady to get a better look at it. All the people i was with were in their 60s. am i seriously as retarded as my mom, i hope not? then her and her new friends exchanced numbers and my mom hugged the lady and wouldnt stop talking so i jumped out of the car said ok this "walk" is over ill see you later.

Dad
The last time i had dinner with my dad (mother's day) i was sitting across from him drinking a glass of wine and i commented on how the glass was perfect and i probably needed to have it and he's like "YOU LIKE THAT GLASS, WE'LL PUT IT IN OUR BAGS!!!" me "WHAT?!?!?! SAYIN" and my mom's all "PLEASE DENISE LIKE YOU DONT AGREE WITH IT" and i said no youre right shoplifting was my favorite thing ever and she didnt say anything but "EH".The nobles always stole stuff at restaurants (except my brother he's not scandalis) my dad has a million martini glasses. i have a lot of spices and some nice knives. i dont need them its just fun and i obviously get stuff i like and can use. what am i talking about i really dont do any of this anymore, only when i go out to dinner with my parents.
now i need 3 or 5 more of those wine glasses.

Brother
I dont know what to say, i havent really seen him in a while he's always in girlfriend land but when we were young we used to beat the fucking shit out of each other and he'd shove my head in the fridge and close it and throw lettuces and hairbrushes at my head. Every trait we have is the opposite from the other except for like 2. My blood.